Well here is another one of those personal post that hell i might not even post? Who knows i am know for writing something out and then scraping it after spending lots of time on it. Its something i have done with trying to tell a girl i like them where i will write a million words on why, how other stuff why i like them then when i finish it i just select all and delete cause my shyness kicks in and I'm like i cant send that she might think I'm crazy haha.
But so this post isn't about any of that........ right now at least. This is more about just how i am feeling. Lately i have been feeling really bummed out, i don't know why? I cant really figure it out, But then again it is something that happens often to me. Then less then a week ago one of my favorite actors committed suicide and it was like really why? But then i find out he had depression and other things and it makes me think do i have depression? And then i start to wonder if i could do it? Like would life get me down so much that i could take my own life? Hell now that i also think about it i had a friend just over a year ago do the same thing and i was so surprised i would have never guessed she was depressed enough to do that. I know in my heart that i would never do that, there is to much stuff i like about living and i don't think depression could ever get me to that point. Now mind you i am not clinically depressed i just think i am but it could be white people problems? If you don't know or understand white people problems its basically that life is pretty much good (i mean my life is not fantastic there could be a lot better stuff in my life but for now i have no real complaints) and you make little things big problems like: I have this good paying job but i have this shitty car cause I'm stupid and i don't do the right thing and i just buy stupid items or games instead of something i would need to take me to where i want to go.
So yeah i am pretty sure my depression is white people problem stuff which is why i am pretty sure it would never get to a point where i would do something drastic like suicide. But i don't mean to offend anyone by that and saying other people have that and just cant deal with it, cause I'm sure there are people who lives are just awful and things just keeps happening and they feel the only way out of it is that? So yeah don't take any of this to be offensive.
Well i kind of lost track of what i was really gonna say now i ended up going on a depression rant, but anyways i have been feeling a little depressed for probably no reason at all, i know in a few days i will be fine it happens a lot but it just sucks when this feeling comes and when it does i always want to go somewhere and do something to maybe cheer myself up but it never happens cause well one i have a shitty car (yeah the above example was pretty much me haha) so i can never go to far from where i live it sucks i wish i would have bought a car instead of tons of game, DVDs, blurays, music and other random shit............ and alcohol. Holy fuck did i buy a lot of alcohol years ago i used to spend anywhere from 15-100 bucks a day on beer, or harder stuff. I think the 3 years that i was a alcoholic i could have bought 2 new cars and maybe get a nice little place. But i ended up spending it all on booze, but i mean i was young dumb and stressed at a shitty job. i thought the boozed help it just pretty much fucked me up i bet haha.
On a different note i think i will talk about women now haha, i have been interested in a couple of women lately all of them i barely talk to cause i am 2 shy and i have no clue what to talk about which sucks i am a grown ass man and i don't think i could keep a descent conversation with any of them. Most of them are smart and very beautiful and truthfully they intimidate me i pretty much don't think i am even worth there time which sucks cause technically no one can know if its true or not but i mean i just assume i am worthless and would ruin there life if i went out with them. I know i shouldn't think like that cause they say there is someone out there for everyone but sometimes i don't believe it and if there was i missed my chance or i let her go already. I know of one girl that i probably had a chance and i did think she was the most beautiful woman i ever met, but i just blew it. I let her move back to her home town without telling her my feelings and we even talked on the phone for hours on our weekends which were not regular weekends since it was a retail job and they fuck you on days off, but we would usually talk till our battery's died and this was before smart phones came out and had like 10 min battery life's haha. So yeah i think i let the one for me go and now she is married to a nice guy I'm sure and they have a little girl. which i am happy for them.
So yeah i keep talking myself out of actually getting to know these girls better and i mean we met at a wedding and we had a good time hanging out the whole night and when i say the whole night we didn't go to sleep until about 5 or 6 in the morning so yeah maybe i should take that as a hint that maybe i have a chance but i don't think it is, i mean i wasn't the only person there with her there were some others so that's why i just think that it wasn't all me that kept them there? Who knows i am sure i will never find out cause i am a punk bitch and wont ever say anything. I can already see that if i stay the way i am i will most likely die a lonely person who didn't do anything for love and just everything for myself. Even though i consider myself asexual there is still a semi romantic in me that thinks finding someone could be a good thing but truthfully there are a lot of times when i just don't see the point.
.........Oh well fuck it I'm gonna go to bed maybe tomorrow i can wake up and not feel like a whinny little bitch and do something. Who knows but oh well i will end my little blog here on a semi sad note haha I'm sure if i write like this a lot it will always end with me feeling bad for myself or being like oh i am a loser or I'm to afraid to ask someone out.
Until next time
- Jon Bohn
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